It’s Fixable

Happy Sabbath! Brenda Zarska, here. I want to share an experience I had 15 years ago when I was 36 yrs old. I hope my story will give you courage. If you have a story of encouragement, please send it to me at: brenda@zarska.com. I just might share it here!

I attended Ron & Nancy Rockey’s “Binding the Wounds” weekend in 1998. Because our church sponsored the event, individual participation was $25 which covered the workbook and other printed materials.  The only reason I attended was because it cost me out-of-pocket money.  I came to the first presentation with folded arms across my chest thinking, “Tell me something I don’t already know about myself.”  And they did.  My life was forever changed.

One of the questions in the workbook and in the seminar was, “Write down the last time you felt safe.”  Now, I grew up in ‘Mayberry’ and have never been physically or mentally abused.  But it was a different kind of ‘safe’ they were asking for.  I hurriedly flipped through my mental file trying to get the feeling of safety.  I kept going back and back through my life.  I finally got to the womb.  Did I feel safe there?  No.  I began to cry – right there amongst the 200 attendees.  No one saw except for perhaps the Rockeys, since I was in the front row.  I knew that this was an opportunity for emotional growth, an opportunity for healing.

Unlike many people, I have a mother who is still alive and is willing to work through an emotional issue to its positive conclusion.  We talked together during one of the many breaks in the formal presentation.  Mother said, “Of course you didn’t feel safe in the womb.  I had lost my first daughter with whom I was so attached during pregnancy.  My heart was broken when she did not live through the first hour of her life.  I resolved that if I carried another child, I would not let myself become attached to it until I knew it would live.  That was you.  I was emotionally detached during the entire pregnancy.  When you were born, I had difficulty knowing how to become emotionally connected with you.”

Of course, the conversation was extensive but I learned why I tried so hard to find a way to please her all my life.  The upshot was that I finally knew the feeling of ‘safety’.  This closure changed my life.

I am now secure in the knowledge that my mother loves me.  I don’t have to do anything to receive that love.  I just have to ‘be‘.  Wow, what a precious gift I have. I moved from the ‘womb’ issue and can now be age 51!

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